Indecision

Another day, another dollar!

Sometimes I suffer from indecision and worry. A therapist tries to help me see that that might be depression. Doesn’t everyone wake up in the middle of the night and worry? and worry? I know that things always look much worse in the dark, but sometimes I am gifted with inspiration in those early dawn hours. There is the sudden desire to switch the day’s plan because of a remembered idea or connection. Some nights there is only doomsday looming, self-doubt, and worry.

As all teachers know, we plan, we try to control, we give to others reasons and hope. So when I am left at times, unable to plan, to control, unable to convince – I am in limbo. Where there might be a vacuum, I rush in to fill it. I don’t always think before I speak. I know – wait, wait. Give them time to think and answer.

I think I am acting in good faith with the best of intentions. I do, however, often second guess myself. Who am I to know what is best? Is this only my personality talking, taking offence. “Don’t you know who I am?” There is only a fine line between the conscious and unconscious motivation. I am trying to watch myself. I think. I write. And I meditate on what I want – the outcome- the goal- my life.

I believe in hope.

4 thoughts on “Indecision

  1. I love how you followed this stream of conscience to hope. That’s all we can hold onto right now. Hope is good. Hope will prevail.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. HOPE. Sometimes it is everything. A favorite verse of mine:
    Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:22 (NIV)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a courageous post. Hope is so imporant. I agree with Margaret – I believe that hope will prevail.

    Like

  4. This post is amazingly honest and courageous because you illustrate your actual thought process. I recognize so much in here that it took my breath away. For example, this line, “Where there might be a vacuum, I rush in to fill it.” YES. I am glad that you end with hope; I keep trying to end there, too.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close