Another day, another dollar!
Sometimes I suffer from indecision and worry. A therapist tries to help me see that that might be depression. Doesn’t everyone wake up in the middle of the night and worry? and worry? I know that things always look much worse in the dark, but sometimes I am gifted with inspiration in those early dawn hours. There is the sudden desire to switch the day’s plan because of a remembered idea or connection. Some nights there is only doomsday looming, self-doubt, and worry.
As all teachers know, we plan, we try to control, we give to others reasons and hope. So when I am left at times, unable to plan, to control, unable to convince – I am in limbo. Where there might be a vacuum, I rush in to fill it. I don’t always think before I speak. I know – wait, wait. Give them time to think and answer.
I think I am acting in good faith with the best of intentions. I do, however, often second guess myself. Who am I to know what is best? Is this only my personality talking, taking offence. “Don’t you know who I am?” There is only a fine line between the conscious and unconscious motivation. I am trying to watch myself. I think. I write. And I meditate on what I want – the outcome- the goal- my life.
I believe in hope.