Noticing. Just noticing how hard it is for me to write this post. Is it just the end of the year crazy scheduling, too much testing, or bad weather malaise? Probably it is a combination of all three. The staff is getting cranky and the students are getting antsy for summer vacation. Now, take a deep breath, relax. All will get done. Or rather, what ever gets done will be enough. Don’t fall into this abyss of despair. I am finding it difficult to stand in the middle, think hopefully and keep moving. Note to self: get more exercise!
It has been three years since my Mom has passed away. That is three Mother’s Days without her. I still think of her frequently,but it is more poignant in May. The last several years, she always got a kick when I would bring to her the Mother’s Day craft I did together with my classes. Mom still enjoyed the hand-made flowers and crayon colored cards. I’m sure it would remind her of years past and all the trinkets brought home to her from her eight children. It is from her example that I love to have my walls and refrigerator covered with drawings and pictures from my granddaughters. I just noticed the other day that one of the girls had taped a drawing and message on the inside of one of my cupboards. It is so nice to be reminded that I am loved!
My mother was in her nineties when she went to meet her maker. She did have several health problems, but she was still living alone and had her wits about her. As one doctor proclaimed to her – “Your parts are just wearing out, Mrs. ____!” She hated getting old and being limited to what she could do easily. “After eighty, it’s all down hill!” she often prophesied to her children. Even when she lost the sight in one eye, she begged to be allowed to still drive. This eighty-eight year old woman promised to only drive back and forth to the grocery store in daylight hours! Sorry, Mom, we can’t let you do that. That was the hardest for her – losing her independence. I can still remember when she first got her driver’s license and how happy she was! Although she had driven her father’s model A, my Mom did not get her license until she was in her late thirties. Then she began to take us different places- the ocean, camp, hiking. Saturdays we needed to stay home and clean the house, but Sundays were days to go off and visit relatives and explore.
I have so many good memories of my Mother. I hope that I can live to be as old as she was and still like my life too.
Similar to my New England landscape, a vista full of hills and valleys, my internal and external life has highs and lows. The challenge for me is to stand quiet in the middle. I try to remember that not everything is black and white. There are lots of shades of gray. Nothing is “always” or “never”. I don’t always end up in the slowest check-out lane. It just feels that way. Never say never- that’s a long, long time. I may not be the most beautiful, but I’m not the ugliest either. I may not be the smartest, but I’m not the dumbest either. Nicest…or …rudest! Neatest…or …messiest! Most positive…or …most negative! I’m a work in progress. I think it is this dissatisfaction with myself that keeps me reaching and working. Life is good. Hard work pays off; and anything is possible.
(Been studying idioms with the kids at school. Amazing how often I can use them!)